Ruddyard Kevling

What with usurper Wayne Swann going all Springsteen and buggering it up along the way and that other jerk Emmerson making a fool of himself at Whyalla, it’s time to explore the talent lurking within Labor.‘

Austraslian Labor harbours a literary genius who currently languishes on the back benches when he is not visiting overseas heads of state who haven’t woken up that he has not been PM for a year or two.  None other than Ruddyard Kevling, who for years has gone unnoticed and unrewarded, until now. 

He claims credit for three run away world smash hits.  The first was written in Copenhagen while overdosing on CO2 and Johnny Walker.  The title went viral.

“Rat Fucking Chinese”

followed not long afterwards by

“Spanki Ban Ki Moon”

and later by

“Fucking Language”

although his third smash hit is attributed by many to a red headed woodpecker from Canberra.

In his fictional autobiography entitled ‘Dreams of My Mother,’ Federal Parliament’s most accurate snoozie flicker describes the occasion of his mother and seven siblings (or was it eight?) being forced to sleep in a Veedub, on account of there was no room at the inn. (God, it must have been hell when everybody farted.)  He penned a pome entitled “I’m  Sleepin’, In a Veedub,’ which was stolen by John Denver and plagiarized into a best selling hit song.

According to Ruddyard, the family was evicted from ‘their’ home by an evil landlord/farmer.  This piece of fiction was amplified by Australia’s diligent media and produced fhe desired effect.  The persona of a hard done by battler.

Little did it matter the story was untrue and in the process a generous to a fault farm owner was defamed and vilified.  You see, Rudyard failed to acknowledge that his parents were party to a sharemilking agreement with a Queensland land owner when his father just upped and karked it.  Died.  Stopped dead.  It is apparent that Pater Rudyard had not seen fit to take out life insurance to ensure his wife and her litter of little Rudlets could afford to buy a decent home if the Old Bore bailed out unexpectedly.  Thus Mother Rudd was left at the mercy of her heinous land owning landlord.

Nobody from those expert fact checkers in the media bothered to check the sharemilking agreement to see what conditions applied upon the untimely death of the sharemilker.  The vast majority of such agreements require the family of the suddenly deceased to move out of the farm house within one month.  After all, it is a business and the cocky has to get someone else in to milk the cows or he will go broke. And that someone else needs a home for HIS wife and kids.

If fact, the farm and herd owner was extremely generous in his treatment of the ungrateful Rudd and his mother.  They were allowed to stay on in the house for SIX MONTHS after which time they were firmly told they had to leave.

Adolf fully expects Ruddyard to resume the mantle of leadership before too long and wonders if the first thing he will do is demand Tony Abbott releases ten year of tax returns.